How Old are You in Divorce Years?... (and others things we learned after ending our nuptials)
By: Tara Aquilina and Beth Navarro
“Someof us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” -HermanHesse
B: I’m Beth. I’m 26.
T: I’m T ara. I’m 27.
B: In divorce years that is...we will get to that later.
T: We first knew we were bondedfor life when we spotted each other’s break up bob’s from across the strip club.
B: We shared a seat in the front row with handfuls of dollar bills drinking our two drink minimum. We
admired eachother’s break-up bobs that were the perfect balance between Britney Spears insanity and l am e housewife. Then it occurred to us while staring at a very hairless pussy-
T: Beth you can’ t say that. Just say a lip popped out --
B: You can’t say that either, Tara. Any way you get what we’re saying.
T: While staring at it we realized it wasn’t just the hair on our heads that needed constant maintaining. (Not that we weren’t already, but come on we were married.)
B: ...our vaginas needed to retro back to our elementary school years.
T: I got the accidental 2011 Brazilian. which means everything gone. I went to get my “normal” Brazilian (landing strip), but they screwed up. Guess that happens. Wait, why am I talking about this again?
B: Seeing this woman’s crotchin such close proximity at Jumbo’s Clown Roommadeus realize there are things we needed to know about being single in 2012.
T: Right. How were we supposed know what’s in style with waxing? Isn’t waxing cyclical like clothes? How do we know 70’s bush isn’t back?
B: I wish.
T: The only guys into 70’s bush are afraid of what vagina’s look like. Is this going on Facebook by the way? My dad is on Facebook.
B: Yeah our parents are going to read this. It’s ok. We apologize in advance.
T: To parents, ex’s, well anyone. And a special shout out to that stripper at Jumbo’s Clown Room.
B : Shelly was really talented. Anyway, we go tout our post-married checklist . Our hair -
B: Hairs are cut. Check.
T: Looking at that stripper’s body we realized we needed to be in good shape. But we have got the bodies of little boysanyway.
B: We look great in bathing suits we just have to keep on the exfoliating. Check. Check. Next, socializing. T : Here’s the thing. I’m not really that tech savvy.
T: And it turns out dating is what the iPhone was created for.
B: You can do anything on there. You don’t even need to leave the house.
T: Calling is the new showing up unannounced.
B: So, everythingyou expressmust comeout in a text.
T : I’ve even had text sex.
T: YES! Sexting. I’ve done that.
B: It’s like we’re in some science fiction movie and we’re two robot shaving sex. Bee Boo bah boop... what’s the emoticon for orgasm?
T: Whatever. I ended a relationship over text.
B: That send button is final.
T: It’s so black and white. The texting tizzy where I re-explain the previous text because tone and reaction are totally lost...
B: Is this communicationnow?Is intimacyas we knowit dead??
T: Sometimes I wishI could tell “mystery” over texting but of course that always happens face to face.
B: Which brings us to the next point. How do we say it?
T: Alcohol helps.
B: Yeah, you know...saying the truth....
T: I’m divorced and 36.
B: That’s scary.
T: But on the other hand they know you don’t want to get married any time soon.
B: So bonus for you guys.
T: Though I give credit where credit is due. I have been pleasantly surprised by the existence of understanding men.
B: Me too. I think being scared isn’t our fear of what they will say. It’s really our own judgments on ourselves...for somehow failing.
T: The whole process is about living a different way. Not to judge ourselves. Now is when we need to embrace who we are and become stronger women; that “it” doesn’t define me like “it” used to... I’m 36 and divorced . Who f’ing cares , right?
B: Amen sister. I’m 36 and divorced and I’ve finally learned what I need in a relationship, and I can actually ask for what I want with the boy friend I have now. Thank God I’m old enough now not to put up with the crap I did when I was in my twenties.
T: ...even though men tally we’re at the age we were when we started dating our ex’s (ie: 26 and 27). Explain that equation Beth.
B: It’s like a drug addict when they get sober. It’s been said they are mentally where they were before they started using. Mental age = age before marriage screwed them up.
T: That’s nice Beth.
B: Thirty six year olds don’t drink 40’s on the corner with guys with girlfriends.
T: I don’t know what you’re talking about. (Pause) So what has this taught us?
B: About waxing? Wax.
T : Learn your text sex.
B: “Sexting!” And, we are now allowed to say we are 26 years old because,technically, by divorce years, we are.
T : Oh and there’s the whole world of online dating which we are not getting into. B: Becausewe are not doing it. It seems like homework any way.
T : I’d rather stick a nail in my eye.
B: Even though eight out of ten relationships start that way.
T: and B: Still not doing it.
T: But seriously what divorce taught us...
B: Trust yourself.
T: Live in the moment.
B: Love yourself first.
T: “Do you.”
B: You did not just quote Snookie.
T: ...and all the 25 year old boys...
B: Good plan.
T: By the way I can tell you are in a relationship again... your hair is getting longer.
B: And you’re gonna be Sinead soon. But that’s a whole other story.
“Celebrateendings– for theyprecedenewbeginnings.” ~ Jonathan Lockwood Huie
BethNavarrois a writerandactor.Shehastwopicturebooksavailableon www.betherebedtimestories.com: KikotheHawaiianWaveandGrambo.Shealsowritesa momblog: Mother-naked(http://mother-naked.blogspot.com/) Please like me on facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Mother-naked/111636188964108
I promise to entertain you. Visit my etsy page if you want to buy cool stuff:
T ara Aquilina is a writer, actor and stylist who, after eight years of being out of the “business,” has begun the creative journey again. She is currently auditioning commercially and theatrically, styling photo shoots for models, musicians and athletes, website coming soon...TaraAquilinastyle.com. Writing has always been a great love and is simply a part of her daily routine. She is in the process of turning her short story, “GroundZero” into a novel. She knows there is no such thing as impossible and is excited to see what comesnext.
"Please note that not all experiences, ideas, and beliefs are shared by each member of The New Hollywood. Weare a group of shepherds, not sheep."